More HOW CAN SHE SLAP ME?!?!?? - what it teaches us about Indian men

All I've been doing is watch this video OVER and OVER and OVER. And OVER. YOU HAVE TO SEE THE VIDEO TO GET THIS ESSAY (you can scroll down for the embed). This is one of the gems on the Internet that keeps giving. But one thing that struck me today, and I'm going to share this with you because I think it's important, is how the video reveals the four different character types of Indian men:

1. The wannabe-alpha-but-really-wimpy-ass male: The protagonist. He's alpha enough to say something snide to the woman, and get mad when he gets slapped, but that's about it. All his machismo ends with the return slap. The rest is downhill. Watching him get his ass whupped is especially enjoyable given how his masculinity, on full display when he hit the woman, simply evaporates into thin air. What we're left with is a bruised and battered (both body and ego) whimpering fifth grader who has to get led out of the studio so he can change out of his soiled pants. This is he kind of guy who will take you out to an expensive restaurant, wine and dine you, promise you the earth and skies, and then will go completely limp in bed. Most likely to go to sleep in a fetal position, with you comforting him and shushing him quietly to sleep as you sip warm chocolate and bemoan your lousy choice for a date.

2. The angry young man: Epitomized by Amitabh Bachchan in the '70s, this would be the co-host of the show, who, miffed that his hair-trigger lady co-host got bitch-slapped by an even more hair-triggered wannabe-alpha-but-really-wimpy-ass male, gets into the act. Under the guise of defending the honor of the above-mentioned lady, all that pent-up anger resulting from his miserable love life, unhappy and impoverished childhood, and retard agent who put him on this dumb-ass show in the first place, gets poured onto the weaker and soon-to-be-sorry ass #1 character-type dude. The quick transition from broken TV English to the choicest of Indian cuss words reveals how quickly the thin veneer of bollywood polish can be stripped away under appropriate circumstances to expose raw testosterone. This is also the guy who will take your clothes off, whether you want it or not, two minutes after you've gone back to your home with him after the date, and then will rough you up while telling you that you wanted it this way. You will most likely have to head into work for the next week with a couple extra layers of make-up to hide the bruises.

3. The beta-and-a-half: You may have missed this, but look at the video again. Now spot the guy with the pink shirt and brown shorts. See what he does? Runs right in and kicks type 1 in the nuts when he's on the floor. And in the face. And in the ribs. Then he runs away, just in case, you know, the guy who's getting mauled by #2 types might get up, run after him, and whup his ass. And then he comes back (because you know, his transferred anger at the co-hosts robbed honor comes in waves), and when #2 is totally down, punches him again and then again beats a hasty retreat. Happy that he's gotten to actually beat someone up, he can now run back to his boys and spin tall tales about how he destroyed a goon with his bare hands to protect the honor of a fair maiden who was being harassed by above said goon. This is the guy that will constantly snipe at you and watch other men watch you throughout the night, occasionally beating them up when he's had enough to drink. And then blame you for it. This is also the kind of guy who will have a vasectomy and wait until you get pregnant before he tells you about it.

4. The thoroughly beta male: The second contestant who didn't get bitch-slapped. You see what happened to him? Yep, watch the epitome of virility and manliness slink out of the frame at about 0:20. A true survivor. You know, when Matthew talks about the meek inheriting the Earth? This is the guy first in line. His bravery and presence of mind give me goose-bumps. Oh, there are way more men than you think who fit this bill. Except you'll never know because you never see them, unless you have the misfortune of getting arranged to one of them. In which case good luck, because he's going to jizz in his pants when you touch his hand. But even if you aren't married to them, and even if you can't see them, know this: they're watching you. And imagining you naked.

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BONUS: (yes, today was a light work day)

1. Check out the short but well-done Millie Remix.

2. The surprisingly entertaining Techno Remix.

3. The Indian TV Remix that delves deeper into the incident and involves other players.

And the ultimate overkill mix, the How can she slap me Insane Edition.

Update: OK, response to the comments:

1. You asked about the foul-mouthed woman. I am in no way defending her actions. I think she was totally out of line. It was bad enough that she yelled at the dude for no reason (really, the F-word on TV? In response to someone saying he didn't want to talk to you? I don't know yo... I have women tell me they don't want to talk to me, all the time. I don't go around telling them to f-off...), but then to actually bitch-slap the dude? m-m-mm. Bad form. Totally tasteless. But then again, you get slapped by a woman, you walk off, or you restrain her or something. (When I get slapped, I turn around an take a bow for the audience. And then make a hasty exit stage left) But to slap her like that? (notice his shoulder, hip, everything went into that pimp-slap). That is not kosher at all...

2. What category do I fit into... Ah, that would be the rarest of rare, one-in-a-million, diamond-in-the-rough, hidden category #5. Example, the producer of the show. In the midst of all this ruckus, this is the dude in the Hawaiian shirt behind the camera with his rum and coke and Cuban cigar, watching this whole thing unfold with a giant smirk on his face. He is also the guy making a bunch of money off of this sordid show. And is also probably banging bitchslap woman for all she's worth.

I'm that guy. Of course, minus the money, shirt, alcohol, nicotine. And bitchslap woman.