A few notes from the men's room

Let me start off by saying that I understand there is quite a bonhomie amongst women who make field trips, arm in arm, to the ladies room every day, and use trips to the lavatory to make their most important and enjoyable conversations of the day. Well, men are different - we have rules. You may or may not know the rules of the men's room. For those of you who don't, read on. For those of you who do, and for men reading this, here's a refresher. Men, tell me if I've missed something.

1. Flush. There are few things as nauseating as a urinal full of, well, urine. You see that little lever? Try giving it a gentle push downward. Whoosh! Dark yellow pee magically replaced by sparkling, clear water!

1a. Coming to think of it, there is one thing more nauseating than a urinal full of urine. Pubes. If I walk up to a urinal and it looks like a barbershop floor, it makes me want to vomit. Listen, I don't care if you're a Samson-type dude whose strength depends on his nether regions, but you either do some trimming at home, or you clean up after yourself. Leaving hirsute calling cards is repulsive.

2. Don't talk. its OK for a quick "Hey, whats up" on the way to the urinal. But once there, I really do not want to discuss the weather. I'm there to empty a kidney; I've got weather.com if I want to know what the weather is going to be like. No, not even football. If there was a conversation going on before entry into the rest room, it can take a break for half a minute.

3. Don't make eye contact. There are only two acceptable things to look at when you're taking a leak.
a. The business hand.
b. The wall directly in front of you.

To aid comprehension, I have included a quick sketch.



It is OK to:
Look away, at nothing in particular. This is completely kosher.
As above, looking at the business hand or at a point in the wall directly between your eyes is also fine.

It is not OK to:
Look directly at the person next to you, even if there is a conversation (which there shouldn't be)
Look at your neighbor's business hand. There are states where this can get you killed.

4. Wash up. Enough said.


These are the basic rules. But there are other things that you really should be doing to make your daily public micturatory trips pleasant:

1. If there is someone at the urinal, leave a spot between you and him if you can. Again, attached is a simple diagram to illustrate the point.



1a. If you have to be next to someone, do be mindful of your feet. We know you don't need to spread your legs 4 feet wide to get to your giant penis, so quit it. Its not classy, and thanks to Larry Craig, paves way for a potentially distasteful situation.

2. You are at the urinal to take a leak, not to pass gas. Gentle tinkling interrupted by thunderous flatulence is undesirable. If you suspect your toot might pack lass bark and more bite (especially if you've just had eggs), it would be highly appreciated if you could hold on. No need to make the men's room smell like your lunch.

3. If you so desire to wash your mouth, do so gently. Hacking up greenish phlegm from the deepest recesses of your lungs is unpleasant to watch and even less appealing to listen to.

4. Don't be a diva. You are indeed allowed to spruce up so you can impress the lady that's waiting for you on the other side of the door. You get 15 seconds, which is sufficient for a quick fix. Anything more than that is in bad taste. Too much primping can result in willful flatulence from your fellow urinal user, just to spite you. In this case alone, making the urinal (and you) smell like a fish sandwich is OK.

Hopefully this little write-up has been helpful in clarifying some of the little things that make life enjoyable.

Thank you.

Update: As veggie belly rightly points out, there is also this little thing about aim. Now, men are apparently way better equipped at this than women, but that being said, yeah, you have the equipment, now use it to aim well. i.e. INto the urinal, not ONto, or around.