Song Lyrics I got all wrong

I've been the butt of many, many jokes because of my complete inability to get song lyrics right - I just can't help it. And these aren't your 120 mile an hour RATM lyrics (which no one gets, come on now, be honest. "Since 1516 minds attacked and overseen"? Really?), these are lyrics that many others might get, but I just don't. I've thought about it, and I think that the cause is fourfold:
One, my hearing is bad;
two, my native tongue is not English;
three, I don't really care what they're crooning/yelling/grunting, and
four, it makes more sense with my lyrics. Some times.

But still all I plead is this: put yourself in my shoes with these handicaps, and then listen to these songs. You'll find that I wasn't that far off...

The marginal ones: There are always the marginal ones, like Penny Lane -Beatles; I always thought it was
"Penny Lane, within my ears and in my eyes..."
turns out it's
"Penny Lane, IS IN my ears and in my eyes..."
Big deal. Same idea. I know what you're saying, Lennon, but your crap Brit accent (and poor 60s recording) is throwing me off a bit.

The logical ones: Some of my lyrics were nonsensical in the context of the song, but made reasonable logical sense as independent phrases. Michael Jackson Man in the Mirror:
"... I'm asking him to change his ways/And no message could have been any clearer..."
became
"... and no Mustang was a Benz and a Clipper..."
I mean, why would a dude be comparing automobiles in the middle of a song I wouldn't know, but it is true that a Mustang is neither a Benz nor a Clipper.

The ones born out of ignorance: So you know how in the song With Teeth from the album of the same name, Trent Reznor goes
"Withthhe TEEEEEEETTHTHTHTH-UHHH..."
Well, if I had known that the name of the song was with teeth, I may have gotten what he was saying. But what with Trent stretching a two syllabic phrase to sound like it had seventeen, I thought he was saying
"To entertain LUUUUVVE..."
(This one almost got me beat up)

Confusion about message of the song: You know the song Weak and Powerless - Perfect Circle? Well, when Maynard sings
"Desperaaaaaate, and ravenous...
so weeeeeaaak and powerleesss...",
I thought it was more of a gung-ho pick-me-up song, and so, naturally, my brain sings
"Desperaaaaaate, and loneleyyyy.... (yes it DOES sound like lonely)
So weeeee can power thiiiissss..."
You know, like a "hey buddy, I know you're feeling low, but we can power this shit. Listen to my song and then go do it man!" See? Plain ol' confusion.

Top three for longevity. Plus for some reason I have a soft spot for these three that I completely messed up. Why, I don't know, but here they are:

3. Sad but true - Metallica. I thought it was "self control" for the longest time. I mean, if you're singing about how I'm your dreams mind astray, I'm your eyes when you're awake and all that, I thought you were defining my self control.

2. Living on a prayer: I thought it went "...take my hand and we'll make it elsewhere..." you know, because Bon Jovi always has a back-up option. Because he's from Jersey.

1. Clocks - ColdPlay. This one really messed me up, and continues to do so every time I hear it. You know how Chris Martin croons
"And noooothing else compaaaaarrresss...."?
I thought it was
"and Iiii feel a stomachaaaaaache..." (more like stumcaaaaake)
I swear. No kidding. Well, he did sound like he was having digestive difficulties, but still, I KNEW that wasn't what he was singing. I mean, ColdPlay just doesn't write shit like that. they're all about love and angst and women and stuff. But it totally got me.

So there it is - feel free to comment and let me know of your favorite lyrics that you butchered. Because really, I'm going to be waiting with bated breath.

Skinny Puppy at DC

I was just looking at some of my cell phone pics when I saw a couple that took a second to register. And then of course I remembered the concert. It's the one where the six foot tall Jewish girl (not counting her 6 inch platforms) that me and my buddies had gone with got thrown out for punching a somewhat overenthusiastic fan in the face. (The guy's dancing got somewhat muted after this incident. I also saw him get some ice from the bartender afterward, so I guess there was some shoulder behind that punch).

Anyway, if you think you're seeing a dude swathed in bloody bandages and wearing a dunce cap, you would be correct. That's Nivek Ogre, the frontman for Skinny Puppy - an awesome industrial band that you should really listen to. if you think their old stuff is a bit much to stomach, their sound has gotten more refined these past few years. But there's no mistaking who they are. Their music is fantastic, and their shows are even better. The guy showed up in a walker, mask, and bloody costume, which he then peeled off in layers as the night went on.


Oh, midway through, the dunce cap started smoking. And there was (fake) blood sprayed on stage. Certain to give the fainthearted some serious nightmares. In other words, fucking awesome.

But in the middle of all this, I do have one small request for people wanting to mosh. If you are a fat ass weighing in at more than, oh I don't know, a buck eighty, take it easy on the Indian dude who's there for the music, will you? Especially if you have long dirty blond dreads that whip around in three foot arcs (at eye-level on a crowded floor. Deadly), and if you are the sweaty type that wears no-sleeve tees (to an industrial concert on a cold November evening). Thanks.

I hate primary school band concerts

First of all, more work = less blogging. Man, this bullshit is beginning to get me down a bit. It's nice and pretty outside, and I was hoping to get some free time because the last few weeks have been brutal at work. No luck.

That being said, I did get to see my nieces' gym video and band concert video. You know what, I think music teachers need to be a little less tolerant with young beginners. If the little kid doesn't know a C from a F within a couple months, cut him/her from the team. Don't make them do solos at the end of the year. This might be news to you, but not everyone has the ability, nor even wants to be, the next Chris Botti. So why put them, us, and indeed, yourself through all this torture, I don't get. Trust me, we'll ALL be glad if they didn't lay their dainty little fingers on an instrument ever again.

I got to see a bunch of kids play instruments half as big as their bodies and managing to sound like the terminal wing of an asthma clinic having sex with an unwilling horse. My niece was great (honest), and so were a couple kids, but that was about it. They could have just had a nice quartet and been done with it. But no, being cut from a team makes you a psycho killer or a misfit in society for life apparently, so we had forty fucking seven solos, most of which SUCKED BALLS.

There was the kid who tried to play the trombone, and had clearly not figured out the relationship between slide and pitch. There were the drums duo who managed to be out of sync for EVERY SECOND of their (mercifully) short piece. There was the piano duo that, not satisfied with sucking while playing solo, played together, with one girl handling the low notes with her left hand and the other handling the highs with her right. Disaster.

But none was worse than the self-important little kid who came out and played two lines from the the Titanic song over and over AND OVER. 6 FREAKING TIMES. And all the while, her mom (from where the self-importance gene was clearly passed down) sat down in the front row and played conductor while managing to both beam with pride and be in a trance from the apparently captivating cacophony. This was the only piece when I both wanted to puncture my eardrums AND stab my eyeballs to lessen the pain of the experience.

So, music teachers, for everyone's sakes, when a kid sucks, cut them from the group, ok? Please. Thanks.

Ohgr - genius

OK, so this title of this post either:

1. States the obvious, or
2. Makes absolutely NO sense.

If you answered 1., read no further. But for the rest of you, Ohgr is none other than Nivek Ogre, the frontman of Skinny Puppy, who pretty much invented the electronic/industrial sub-genre. In my opinion, the "old" Skinny Puppy made very different music from what they make now, and I like their newer stuff better. Ohgr has made some music on his own - his new album Devils in my details, is on everyone's top 10 for this genre, but a great place to start is his kick-ass album Welt. Its from 2001, and I've been listening to it non-stop.

Oh, one more thing. If you are deeply disturbed by his album cover, there's a good chance you may not *quite* like the music. Just a heads up.



h/t reader Jared.