The Rock Concert story (2004)

From another mass mail (unsent, I think)

... which reminds me of my other adventure; the American rock concert experience. I have been to a few of these now, so I feel the need to tell the uninitiated about what happens. (Even if you aren't a rock concert virgin, read on anyway; this section will contain the word boob). Anyways, there are a couple of things you should know.

1. The air at any rock concert will be saturated with the smell of weed. You'd think with all the brouhaha about marijuana, there would be some control. There isn't. Which is OK if you're trying to bum a joint, but not OK if you're an ex-asthmatic actually trying to get a look at the stage through the haze. Short and shallow breaths work though...

1a. Watch out for the puddles of spilled beer/vomit/urine. There's a lot of alcohol at social events in America. And a rock concert is very social.

2. People will be dressed funny. Weirdness of attire is a function of hardness of music, as a general rule of thumb. Also when in doubt, wear black and include some metal. if you show up in bondage attire (whip and all), paint your face white and color your mohawk electric blue, you've arrived, baby.

3. Watch out for the surfers. Crowd surfing is becoming a bloody pain. Instead of people going from the front to back, its the reverse these days. Which is bullshit, because people are just hoping to get their asses carried by other people all the way to the stage. So as you face the stage, watch for flailing arms and legs as people get flung on you. Move if you can (there was this guy built like a house next to me and he kept throwing these surfers from 8 feet high. One chick was in mid air when the crowd in front of her parted, somewhat inexplicably. Chick met ground. S-p-l-a-t. She didn't crowd surf very much after that...)

4. Moshing. You need to know this to survive. Sometimes, in the middle of a concert, people will, for no apparent reason, start moshing. Now this isn't your usual jostling for space in front of the stage, oh no. This is people throwing their (and others') bodies around epileptically, to convey their heartfelt appreciation of the music, with scant regard for their own - or others' - safety. As this happens, well meaning and more sane people form a ring around these dozen-or-so morons and watch the fun unfold. If someone gets clotheslined and lands on you, you do your bit and helpfully push the poor sod back into the fray so he can get piledriven by some other socially maladjusted idiot. Alcohol numbs not only the part of your brain that makes decisions, but also the bit that senses pain, apparently. Awesome for the Indian dude who drew the short straw and had to be designated driver for the day. There are some rules, though. Punching and kicking is frowned upon, unless in retaliation, and biting is definitely a no-no, unless its between two lusting adoloscents (though with all that moving, you might rip an artery out, so masticating on your girlfriends neck is probably ill-advised as well).

5. You will see boobs, and sex in the bathrooms (you need to be lucky for the latter though). This bit is the revenge of the ladies. Since they cant mosh - well, a few do, but they're usually scary or ugly or both, and you don't want to see their boobs or have sex with them, unless you have NO other option - they will flash the star on stage. Or you, if they're drunk enough and don't know the stage from the parking lot. Either way, you get to see some. Or a lot. Which could be good (drunk hot college chick), or very, very bad (old ugly drugged out mosher lady).

And in the midst of all this, there's some poor guy whose trying to belt out his angst-laden lyrics while gyrating earnestly on stage hoping to convince you he's doing his best to justify the 50 bucks you coughed up to be there so he can pay for his next coke binge.

Fun, no?