Thank you and more thoughts

For those of you who have expressed your condolences here, by email, and by person, I thank you. Little words of support, or a hug here or there, or even a beer drunk in silence, really do mean quite a bit. They did for me.

I'm spending some time with family. The pushupcousins are coping, but I have to say it has hit them harder than it hit me, probably because they actually grew up with my granddad when they were kids, whereas I only used to go to my grandparents' during vacations. Of course we did live in the same house when I was a little older, but by then I was no longer the little kid being pampered by doting grandparents...

Pushupdad and mum had to go back to do the many rituals that we Indian people have to perform in circumstances such as these. In our community, we have rituals that go on for a full two weeks after the death - every day is filled with specified things to be done for the soul of the departed, things that often force one to be excruciatingly intimate with the person that was and no longer is. It is gut-wrenching, and by the time it's all done, everyone involved is physically, mentally, and emotionally spent - perhaps that is one of the ideas behind it all, so we can completely, fully immerse ourselves in the grieving process, and come out of it stronger and with some sense of closure. It was harrowing even to read what my parents had to go through; I couldn't help but think that some day, it is entirely possible that these duties will fall on my shoulders. I just hope that I will have the strength that my parents have now to fulfil what duties they fulfil now...

Pushupdad wrote to me yesterday, and the crux of his email was this:

There have been so many who came personally/telephonically to offer their condolences, and it became apparent that over the years appappa has influenced or touched lives more than i knew, or even imagined. it brought home to me the fact that we tend to view persons --- however close --- through the prism of our own experiences, and can never fully grasp the extent of their personality. all were unanimous that appappas demise, at the end of a contented healthy and positive life, could only be atttained by an evolved soul.

How true.

We all knew a bit of Appappa. Some of us knew a lot, some of us, a little. But what he was was more that what any of us had seen. He was more than what we thought he was. He was even more that the sum of all of the little pieces that he revealed to all of us. The full extent of what he was, we will never know. No one will. But what is truly amazing and wonderful and deeply touching is how everyone loved their little piece of Appappa.

Hundreds of people have streamed through our doors in the past few days, and while they struggle to cope with the fact that he is no longer with us, they look back at their little piece of Appappa, and you know what? They all loved what they had. What they knew of him, their piece of him, touched their lives, made them happy in some way, large or small.

I reflect on this, and I can't help but wonder at what a great, wonderful man my grandad was. He was so happy, so easy to please, so simple. In the many, many years that I knew of him, I don't recall him ever bing mad. And no, I'm not saying this just because his death has somehow made everything about him saintly. No, he was truly incapable of anger. He was the pillar of strength in our family. He was the quiet force that propelled our family to where we are now, it was he who, with my grandmum, made the sacrifices that eventually got us to where we are now. And he did all of this with nary a whisper of resentment, of self-pity, of complaint one way or the other.

Appappa did the best anyone could with the cards that life had dealt him. And while that alone is more than could be said of many, he also did his duty, his karma, with a quiet dignity, pride, love and almost child-like happiness that filled his being throughout his life, a happiness and love that we were truly blessed to experience.

I love you Appappa, and I will miss you.