Dhani is one giant muay thai fraud.

Have you seen this show? It's called Dhani tackles the globe on the Travel Channel, where this ex-footballer dude goes around the world and does manly things. Mostly getting beat in wrestling matches and banging local prostitutes.

Well anyway, I watched a show for a bit, and in this one, this guy goes to Thailand to fight Muay Thai. Muay Thai, for those you who don't know, is a pretty brutal form of martial arts; skinny thai kids beat the crap out of each other, especially with the trademark (and pretty devastating) knee kicks to the ribs and elbows to the face.

Exhibit A (with apologies for the bad music):



Now, here's the promo for what Dhani did:



I bet you're thinking: Hey, not too bad, the guy is getting trained and is breaking a sweat. Hm, maybe I'll watch him in a real fight...

IN REALITY, what happens is that Dhani lands in Bangkok, shops around for some bikini briefs and fake handbags, watches some fish fight in a tank, and promptly hits the red light district, where he is mobbed by multiple prostitutes, some of who are clearly she-males. He rebuffs their advances (at least to the extent we know of), has a drink with a couple of really ugly ones that professed their undying love to him (I swear one ACTUALLY said "me love you long time"), and plays football with a baby elephant. No, I am not kidding. All this while being a typical American tourist and remarking about how crazy/crowded/polluted the city was to his tuk-tuk driver, who clearly didn't understand a damn thing he said.

In the meanwhile, he does do a few crunches and practice kicks. Mostly what you see on the promo clip. He then gets oiled up, gets taught a few prayers (which he faithfully recreates in the ring), and then gets to fight with THE MOST OUT OF SHAPE THAI DUDE I HAVE SEEN IN MY LIFE.

I mean, this guy, I wish I had a clip to show you. It looked like they went out to the bars (in the red light district for all you know), picked up the fattest, most out of shape drunk dude, slapped on a ceremonial head gear on his head and a few Bahts into his hand, and ushered him in the ring to fight Dhani (who is quite a fit brute, actually).

That the guy lasted two rounds itself was a miracle. I mean, the guy was passing out on his feet BEFORE they even started exchanging punches. It sucked balls. I think there were a few half-hearted punches and kicks, and then Dhani kicked him in the gut and it was all over. I mean, I don't think he knocked him out. I think the dude just wanted to go back to the bar with his new found wealth and drink some more, so at the first hint of contact with his flabby beer belly - which was really sizable, he toppled over and passed out (somewhat unconvincingly) in the ring.

And then as the guy gets carried away so he can drink away his ignominy, Dhani talks to the camera about how he felt good that he learned something from Thailand, and how he was proud that he won. Yeah, you know what dude, I was walking to work today and I stepped on an earthworm. He tried fighting back, he did, that crafty worm. But I showed him who was boss. I won. I feel proud. Plus I didn't wear a helmet like you did, you wuss.

Fight a real man.

And for God's sake, learn to bargain when you're buying a pack of colored briefs.

Jackass.