Great new weight loss plan!!!

Here's my 5-step plan that I plan to patent:

1. Get a bad upper-respiratory tract infection.

2. Suffer for about a week. The sneezing, hacking and coughing will tone your abs.

3. Go on a 5-day course of Azythromycin.

4. Your bowels will turn to mush. You will get the shits so bad that you will be spewing contents of your esophagus down, about 4 times a day.

5. Weigh yourself to see the slimmer, healthier and lighter you!!!

It's quite simple, really.

Of course, there is an Optional Deluxe package of Indian parents showing up at your house on that same week. In this case, you will also experience:

6. Home-made super spicy traditional Indian food (known to turn bowels to mush even in healthy individuals).

7. Deceptively counter-intuitive ribbing from mother regarding appearance of the smallest of convexities around the midriff (Hey yogi -poke, poke, poke at belly flab- you've put on weight with all this American food)

8. Constant badgering of Indian mom about getting married (known to turn Indian and Jewish bowels to mush).

9. Daily dose of "advice" from Indian parents. This will involve the point-by-point dissection of various character flaws in exquisite detail every morning. And afternoon. And evening. Of course, all for my own good.

And the Ultra-deluxe package, which will shave off another 10 pounds, guaranteed:

10. Long weekend camping with extended Indian family in the middle of nowhere, none of whom have camped before.

I'm done.