Women: cock-blockers of the first order

Yeah, I know, I know, you all already know this. Men and women think differently. Men come from Venus, and women come from Mars or some such b.s. Well, you're wrong.

Men come from Hey-let's-give-this-guy-a-chance, and women come from Hey-let's-crush-this-dude's-balls. Let me explain.

When men are at a bar (or some equivalent social locale) and start up a conversation with a bunch of women and one of the men takes a fancy for one of the women and starts talking to her and it's obvious that she's into him too, do you know what we men do?

We let them be.

With the one and only exception of obviously foreseeable irreversible physical harm that might occur (after multiple beers, everyone can make mistakes, and it is the duty of the group to ensure that their friend lives another day - this has happened to me and I'm glad for it), we let them go their own way. Whatever happens happens. They both are ADULTS, they can reach their own decisions. Our best wishes are with the guy, and we let him make the best he can out of the evening.

When WOMEN are at a bar (or some equivalent social locale) and start up a conversation with a bunch of men and one of the men takes a fancy for one of the women and starts talking to her and it's obvious that she's into him too, do you know what the women do?

They decide all of a sudden, oh no, we can't allow our dear friend (who've we've been bitching about all this while because she's wearing old 06 Blahniks and has the wrong shade of eyeshadow) to make her own mind up about the dude she's having a fun time with. Oh no, we can't. We've been drinking our martinis all night and making catty comments at all the other girls who look like they're having a great time. Oh, we know we're going home alone tonight and crying ourselves to sleep after eating that half tub of icecream and feeding the cats, pretending that we really are too good for the trash out there in the city while knowing full well that we're going to hit 35 and then realize that we're running out of time to churn out babies and then decide that that shlub from high school who admitted that he jerked off to our graduation photos all through college and still lives in his mom's basement while earning 10 bucks an hour at the local florist and who's only upwardly mobile posession is his hairline, all of a sudden seems to be a stable and sensitive guy, and that as a result of having gotten hitched to this winner in the future, we're going to end up living the rest of our lives wanting to shoot ourselves in the face to lessen the pain of a pointless wasted life.

Still, with all of this, you know what they do? They execute the classic cock-block. They lead their bewildered friend away, "Oh honey, it's for your own good...." leaving yogi (equally bewildered) wondering what the heck just happened. Listen, if I looked like a rapist, fine. If I was smashed and acting creepy, fine. If I was sober and taking advantage of a clearly drunk woman, that's kosher too. But if she is obviously having a great time and we are in the MIDDLE OF EXCHANGING PHONE NUMBERS, LET. HER. BE.

Listen, you stupid dumbasses. I don't know what your problem is. Let your ADULT friend make her own decisions. She's smart and can handle herself, which is why yogi liked her in the first place. If she needs your help or if she needs to extricate herself from an awkward situation, she'll let you fucking know. Or, god forbid, she might actually take care of herself.

Moon Rock? Naah. Tree bark? Ooooh yeah.

So, we went to the moon and got back a bit of, ahem, a very much terrestrial tree?

I'm sure there'll be a fantastic explanation for this. Plus of course I'm sure you heard that NASA recently admitted that they lost the original tape of the moon landing because it had been "written over". So they had to take the TV video tapes and had it restored by Hollywood. I'm no conspiracy crank, but that's just a bit convenient, no?

Ted Kennedy - couple words

Say what you might about his personal life (and there is much to say, not much of it positive), the man was great.

Listen, he lost not one, not two, but ALL THREE of brothers under extraordinarily difficult circumstances - he was the youngest of them all. To carry on the family name in the glare of the national spotlight was not easy. To have accomplished what he did in the senate was truly great. He fought for liberal ideals, and we're all better for it. Right from the nuclear freeze, to the Anti-apartheid act, to funding Americorps to funding for women's sports to Immigration reform. But most importantly, he was a champion of health rights. COBRA, AIDS funding, SCHIP... the little things (or big things, depending on your situation) that we take for granted, many of them can be traced back to legislation introuced by or fought for by Ted Kennedy. It's amazing that he had the strength to fight the good fight over so many years, despite having being undercut so often by Republican colleagues and administrations.

You might say that his rough experiences do not excuse his alcoholism or his philandering or Chappaquiddick, and I would agree to some extent; but there have been so many who have had much less happen to them, and have frittered away entire lives and fortunes.

Truly a man who fought for the less fortunate in society all through his life. We'll miss him.

Now if only those assholes in congress can get their shit together and pass meaningful health reform...

Population Increases = Crazy shortages

Just putting this BBC link up for now. Well worth reading, comments in a bit. Long story short, we better do something...

Here come the machines...

Scarily awesome.

Creepy guys in bar restrooms

The only reason I don't have a pic is because the only thing creepier than the creepy guy in the men's room is taking a photo of the creepy guy in the men's room.

Well, long story short, there are some bars in DC that have dudes parked in the men's room. I don't know why they do this, maybe to ensure there's no drugs or gay sex in the bathrooms, but whatever the reason is, you're having a good time in a crowded bar, you have a bunch of beer, and eventually it's time to empty a kidney. So you walk down to the men's room (focusing on walking dead straight, chest all puffed out, gazing ever-so-casually at the rest of the bar with the supreme confidence of the leader of a pride of lions gazing at his harem), and then just as you relax and get ready to do what you have to do, you smack right into the dude.

He's there, right by the door, looking at you, paper towel at the ready and a steady gaze through you and beyond, a good 500 yards behind your skull. He has little set of things right by the sink too. Cigarettes, breath mints, gum, q-tips. And condoms. And that's just what you could see - I'm sure you could buy car insurance and walking canes from him too, as long as you paid the right price. And as long as he could watch you urinate in a bar. You edge by him, do your thing somewhat self-consciously, remember to flush, and wash your hands thoroughly, all under his undecipherably blank gaze. He then gives you the paper towel, and then waves his hand in front of the damn machine until it spits out some more, tears it out, and goes back to standby mode. You then feel obliged to throw a dollar or so in his tip tray and get the hell out. It's downright creepy.

And it's also bullshittical.

1. There are enough people up there, and I'd like to clear my head for a few seconds. I'd like to do it without some brother looking right at me.
2. I can bloody well wave my hand at a machine to make it spit out some paper at me. I do not need your help.
3. I am never going to take those individual half-unwrapped sticks of gum that have been marinating in aerosolized shit and/or piss for the last few hours.
4. I appreciate your concern and your sense of entrepreneurship with the condom sales, but could you take it outside, please?
4a. btw do you have a lady partner hawking lipstick and tampons in the women's room? I'd like to know.
5. Very smart move, keeping just the two bucks in the collection tray. Just enough to let people know that that what it's there for, yet not enough that people will think you've earned enough money for waving your hand every once in a while and hawking some knick-knacks.

Bar owners, you have to stop this shit. It's stupid and pisses people off. ESPECIALLY if you have a rest room the size of a coffin. The dude was literally looking over my shoulders last night.

Jeez.

Favre welcomed to the Metrodome

UNFORTUNATE PHOTO (OR *VERY* WARM WELCOME BACK)

OK, first of all, I never was a big Favre fan. Listen, I get why some people in the frigid North might be. There's nothing to do in the godforsaken place except park your ass in front of a TV set and watch a bunch of people play ball. I get it. So I would see why you would worship your QB if he's stuck around for a bit and has brought home a superbowl after a drought of several decades.

But this whole Brett Favre Saga has just gotten out of hand. First, he retires, then unretires, then retires, then promises he's done, then unretires and joins another team, then retires, then unretires, then promises he's really done, goes plays ball with some kids, then unretires and joins the arch rivals of the team that he was with for almost two decades.

Oh, and don't forget the tears each time. Yeah, so screw you Favre. You're a selfish, self-centered dickhead. So when you played like a high school quarterback last night, it made me think you're going to have a torrid year ahead. You went 1 of 4 for a mighty 4 yards. And that sack you took from Corey Mays? Sweet.

Although when I saw the pic today on SI, I must say, it does look like Corey is REALLY glad to have you back at QB. Cough, cough. That's either a very unfortunate photograph or one hell of a welcome back.

Asian kids - always ahead of the rest of us

This kid is, what, EIGHT YEARS OLD?? MAAYYYYBEEE??!!??!? Man, when I was eight, I was still pooping in my diapers man...


Kid Discovers Vanessa Hudgens Nude Pics - Watch more Funny Videos

Moral of the story: the internets bring instant happiness to everyone. Sometimes too instant.

Groundwater Tables in India - a dire situation indeed

Did you read about this? The ground water is falling DRAMATICALLY in India. I mean, I knew that India's water resources are under some serious strain, but FIFTY FOUR CUBIC KILOMETERS LOST EVERY YEAR?????? ARE YOU KIDDING ME????

You can read Richard Kerr's article about it here ; the Original article is by VM Tiwari et. al., but I can't link to it right now. It includes some very cool satellite imaging that records very small localized changes in Earths gravity, and uses it to track water content at or below the surface.

Here is the money chart.



Green is OK; means the water tables are more or less stable. Not bad for most of central India and some of the west (which gets poured on every monsoon season). The blues indicate some trouble; unsurprisingly, Tamil Nadu in the south east is shaded blue; the state is always just that bit short on water (the North east monsoons yield less that far south; Bangladesh gets dumped on during that cycle).

But you see that GIANT swathe of dark blues, purples, and hot pinks?

Yeah, those people are FUCKED.

When you have 600 million or so people living in the plains of the Ganges and drawing on groundwater for irrigation to feed themselves, you're bound to run into problems. But 10 or more centimeters a year????

Oh Jeez. Oh Jeez. This is not going to end well.

Update: Reader Pzau points out that the states currently worst-hit by drought are in Central India, and therefore should be darker pink. Not quite. This graph shows you the rate of water table decline, which is independent of the current water table levels in any particular area. In fact, it is quite likely that areas that are already arid would have a small drop (if any) in the water table because the levels are already so low, they can't go any lower, either because the aquifiers have dried up, or because the satellite can no longer pick up changes in signals.

Amazing Sand Artist

Kseniya Simonova sure has some talent. Wow. Worth watching.

The bit at the end reads "you are always near". Also, just a little bit of context; you may get this anyway from watching the clip, but it's all about the German occupation of Ukraine during the second world war.

Great new weight loss plan!!!

Here's my 5-step plan that I plan to patent:

1. Get a bad upper-respiratory tract infection.

2. Suffer for about a week. The sneezing, hacking and coughing will tone your abs.

3. Go on a 5-day course of Azythromycin.

4. Your bowels will turn to mush. You will get the shits so bad that you will be spewing contents of your esophagus down, about 4 times a day.

5. Weigh yourself to see the slimmer, healthier and lighter you!!!

It's quite simple, really.

Of course, there is an Optional Deluxe package of Indian parents showing up at your house on that same week. In this case, you will also experience:

6. Home-made super spicy traditional Indian food (known to turn bowels to mush even in healthy individuals).

7. Deceptively counter-intuitive ribbing from mother regarding appearance of the smallest of convexities around the midriff (Hey yogi -poke, poke, poke at belly flab- you've put on weight with all this American food)

8. Constant badgering of Indian mom about getting married (known to turn Indian and Jewish bowels to mush).

9. Daily dose of "advice" from Indian parents. This will involve the point-by-point dissection of various character flaws in exquisite detail every morning. And afternoon. And evening. Of course, all for my own good.

And the Ultra-deluxe package, which will shave off another 10 pounds, guaranteed:

10. Long weekend camping with extended Indian family in the middle of nowhere, none of whom have camped before.

I'm done.

sickness + parents = hectic weekend

Man, this whole sickness thing is beginning to piss me off a lot. I have the ears of a three ear old, so I have tinnitus, I have waxy ears, my ears hurt on flights, and yep, I get ear infections like I'm in day school for the first time every month.

And pushupmom&dad are in town too this week. Which means a lot of going around town with them. Fortunately they're all independent, so I don't have to do a bunch of chaperoning, but still, you know how it is, you've got to be on your best behavior, you've got to pretend you've always wanted to go to that museum...

Most importantly, you have to remember to clear your internet history. Pushupmom&dad and I might be best buddies, but, you know.

On the other hand, this is a great time to have your eustachian tubes all blocked up so you can't hear your mum harangue you about why you aren't married yet, as she feeds you some super delicious food.