Lab Technicians can suck

SO. Here is excuse #6. My technician.

Here's the story. I had been a little overworked (I told you), and eventually the dark circles under my eyes must've come to the attention of my boss. Either that or the many empty bottles of 7-hour energy drinks. (They are magic, I tell you. Magic.)

So he calls me in one day and says: "Hey Yogi, do you need some help?"

Yogi: Help? You mean a shrink?
Boss: No. Unless you think you need one. Do you?
Yogi: Uh.
Boss: You aren't going to come in and shoot the place up, are you?
Yogi: No.
Boss: You're fine then.
Yogi: Wha--?
Boss: So, do you need help? As in a technician?
Yogi: Yes. That and a raise would be nice.
Boss: Well, you can either get a tech and no raise, or no tech and no job.
Yogi: I'll take the tech.
Boss: Good.

(Yogi to himself: Hot young chick. Please, baby Jesus. Hot. Young. Chick.)

And then Boss introduces me to, um, we're going to call him Boris.

Boris is old. 60 years old.
Boris is morbidly obese.
Boris has never worked in a research environment.
Oh, also, Boris is an east European Jew who doesn't speak English.

I think I'm going to have a small series on Boris the Belarussian...